Tuesday, May 29, 2007


This week one of the cable channels was doing an "All Jaws" Weekend. I started to watch the original, when my wife informed me that it scared the shit out of her and to turn it off. I reluctantly did, but it got me to thinking about a movie my friend Burt Griswold and I dreamed up in 1975 after seeing Jaws. Let me tell you about it...

Back then porn was a lot different than it is today. OK, maybe not that different in content, but very different in deployment. In 1975 there were no VCRs, no PCs, no DVDs, on Internet; there were Super8 projectors and theaters and that was pretty much it. Porn movies had releases just like other films and would play at your local porn theater (in San Bernardino it was a Pussycat Theater), and stay as long as it had business and then the next feature would move in. A number of the films were based very loosely on current TV shows or movies.

Burt and I dreamed up a porn version of Jaws, called Gums! We even came up with a tag-line and a poster. I don't remember all of the plot points, but it loosely followed that of Jaws.

The bodies of dead men are being found along the streets and back alleys of Hollywood; in each case their genitals have been mutilated. The local police think it might be a serial killer, but the Chamber of Commerce says they are mistaken.

They eventually hire a specialist, Matt Pooper, who tells them, "Well, this is not an industrial accident, and it wasn't any sexual toy mishap, it wasn't any blow job gone bad, and it wasn't Jack the Ripper. These men were gummed to death!"

There is a big erotic convention coming to town for the Fourth of July weekend and the Chamber doesn't want their business chased away. As the honorary Mayor of Hollywood puts it, "You yell Accu-Jack mishap, everybody says, "Huh? What?" You yell sexually mutilating serial killer, we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July."

Pooper determines that each of the victims was extremely well-endowed and wearing a specific type of cologne, one made with some very odd pheromones. "The woman we are looking for is attracted to the exact kind of odors that occur whenever well-hung human beings put on this cologne and get nasty in back alleys. You cannot avoid it."

In the end the Sheriff, Pooper, Quim (a porn star they hire as bait for the killer) and a case of cologne all end up late one night in a Volkswagen Beetle (cause guys with big dicks can afford to drive crappy cars) cruising Hollywood Blvd. They are stranded on a side street when one of the tires is ripped right off of their car. The Sheriff catches sight of a woman scampering away, a tire in her large mouth and tells them, "You're gonna need a bigger car."

But it is too late for that. Their car is repeatedly attacked by the toothless, denture-less woman. She gums the small car, ripping off bumpers and fenders as she continues her relentless assaults. During a lull in the attacks Quim goes out for a cigarette and can not get back to the car in time. She gums him to death right in front of the others.

Eventually they toss a can of feminine hygiene spray into her gummy maw and shoot at it with a pellet gun till it explodes. The film ends with Pooper and the Sheriff getting blow jobs in a back alley from two hookers.

"I used to hate anonymous, impersonal sex" says the Sheriff.

Pooper laughs, "I can't imagine why."

If we had only had the connections to get this gem made!

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