Matt pushed the cart through the crowded store as his friend Chris led the way, “Over here dude, the beer aisle. I know what would be great for the party; let’s get some Miller Lite!”
“Chris, seriously, why would you want to get Miller Lite?”
“Dude, it’s less filling and it tastes great!” taking a bow as he did so, as if he had just quoted Shakespeare.
“Chris, calm down for a minute and think about what you just said.” Chris looked at Matt, a confused expression on his face.
“First of all, you said it was less filling, how do you figure that?”
“It’s got less calories.”
“So, it is still 12 ounces of liquid and 12 ounces of liquid, no matter how many calories it has, will still fill your stomach up with 12 ounces of liquid.”
“But the calories…”
“Don’t make it any less filling, just less caloric.”
“But…but…” Chris looked like someone had just told him there was no Santa Claus.
“And secondly, you said it tastes great, and we both know that’s bullshit. It tastes like watered-down Miller and when was the last time you drank Miller?”
“Well, uh, I…hum, that is, ah…”
“Exactly, if watered-down Miller tasted great, everyone would be drinking Miller and nobody drinks Miller. So, it isn’t less filling and it doesn’t taste great.”
“So you pick the fucking beer then!”
“I will,” and Matt picked up a case of Hanger 24 Orange Wheat and set it down in the cart. “Let’s go get some chips.”
Chris now lagged behind Matt and the cart, the wind seemingly gone from his sails, his face a cross between dejection and concentration. Something was bugging him. He suddenly ran forward and grabbed the cart, bringing it to a halt. “Hold on a second, you’re trying to make me look stupid; ounces aren’t always the same size.”
“Of course they are, Chris. What are you thinking?”
“No, no, no man, you aren’t fooling me. An ounce of gold is real small like, but an ounce of something like balsa wood or cotton is much bigger, and, and it’s the same with lite beer.”
“Yeash, Chris, an ounce of gold is a different ounce than an ounce of beer.”
“No it’s not man; now you’re the stupid one. An ounce is an ounce.”
“Chris, an ounce of beer is a fluid ounce, it is a measurement of volume, of size, as in ounces in a cup or a quart. An ounce of gold is a measurement of weight, like ounces in a pound. They are not the same thing buddy.”
“Don’t fucking ‘buddy’ me, you asshole! I’m gonna have my own party so fuck you!”
As Chris stormed off Matt just shook his head and started looking at chips. At least Ruffles did have ridges.
Copyright 2015 Barry Keller. All rights reserved.