What's Wrong with America

"What's wrong with America is the way in which we are being forced more and more to equate criticism as something counter to democracy, when, in fact, it's the core of it."

–Sean Penn

The French

At the infamous poker game I went to last month, my neighbors not only ridiculed Al Gore, boasted about President Shit-For-Brains and repeatedly reminded us that "global warming isn't real, it was invented by Al Gore for that movie of his," they also made faces every time the French were brought up. If only I could have been as eloquent in my speech as Bill Maher was last week on his show...

And finally, New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?"

And, yet, an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health care system than we do, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. "John Kerry? Couldn't vote for him; he looked French." Yeah, as opposed to the other guy who just looked stupid.

Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!

Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.

The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!

Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!

They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music. But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world. As is their poverty rate. And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country. And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!

They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?

So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you.

40 Years Ago Today From DC Comics -- Adventures of Jerry Lewis #101

Adventures of Jerry Lewis #101 (On Sale: May 9, 1967) has a strange Bob Oksner cover. What is strange about it is that Oksner did the cover and not the interior artist.

Inside we have "Jerry the Astronut" written by Arnold Drake and drawn by Neal Adams. This is Neal's first book-length story for DC and only his second piece of comic book work at DC (Neal did a three-month stint at Archie a few years earlier and had also just started doing work for the Warren horror magazines, Eerie and Creepy). Given that he came from the Ben Casey strip, Jerry Lewis seems like a strange book to be doing. I found this in an interview with Adams.

"...that (Jerry Lewis and Bob Hope) was my best money in comic books. I could pencil ten pages in a day. I could ink ten pages in a day. And when I did the realistic stuff I only did two pages a day so there was no comparison. It was the best money I could make but that wasn't really what I wanted to do."

I've never seen the Jerry Lewis work Neal did, but I own most of the Bob Hope stuff. I'll show some interior pages when we get to that next month. It's interesting stuff.

Edited by Murray Boltinoff.

Veronica Mars

I make no apologies for being a rabid Veronica Mars fan. In its three short seasons it has been consistently one of the best written shows on TV. Yeah, it's sort of a modern-day Nancy Drew, but it is so damn smart that I just don't care. This is most likely the last season for Veronica (unless NBC decides to add it to its anemic schedule when the CM cancels it in a few weeks), and I anxiously await each new Tuesday night episode. So I tuned in last night and saw... Griffith Park burning!

Now I might be fascinated by this if I had not just watched two hours of Griffith Park burning on channel 9, but since I had, I really needed a break from wall-to-wall "LA is on fire!" coverage. At a time when the WB is deciding whether or not to give Veronica Mars another season to find more fans and the ratings the show deserves, something like this sure fucks up the ratings.

America's Most Beloved Guest Reviewer

I'm the guest reviewer today over at Tony's Online Tips, the review and commentary site of my good friend, and "America's Most Beloved Comic-Book Writer & Columnist," Tony Isabella. I review "Stop Forgetting to Remember: The Autobiography of Walter Kurtz" by Peter Kuper. I thought this book was...eh, wait a minute. That would be cheating. Take the link and find out what I thought!

Just Another Day in Paradise

The great GOP takeover of our nation has resulted in another beautiful day in paradise, just as we always knew these brilliant conservative leaders could deliver. The president hosted the Queen of England today, at one point adding two-hundred years to her age, then winking at her and then comparing her to his mother.

In Kansas there are not enough National Guard units or equipment to handle the aftermath of the devastating tornadoes from this weekend and if there are any more disasters there is no one to help the citizens at all. But not to fear, our great leader says that everything will be back to normal by 2012.

And finally, in that utopia of democracy we have created in the Middle East only 68 were killed today. The surge is working!

A Smart Call?

I received an email today from the dealer I purchased my Mercedes from a half dozen years ago. They are opening a SMART dealership and the email was an invitation to go down to a special event to preview the cars. I signed up for it just to get a closer look at these half Swatch, half Mercedes mini-mini cars. I saw one driving down the 210 freeway not three weeks ago and have to admit to being slightly intrigued by the car. Not that I'm going to by one, but it might be kinda cool to test drive one, just to see how it feels to be in that small a vehicle.

A String in Time

At three minutes and four seconds after 2:00 today, the time and date was 02:03:04 05/06/07.

Filing a Protest

We, the people of La Verne California would like to file a protest against the judge in the Paris Hilton case for not allowing Paris to choose her place of incarceration. We know we were in the running.

Apparently Someone Has Been Paying Attention

The latest Newsweek poll is good news all around. In brief...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President George W. Bush's approval rating has fallen to 28 percent in a Newsweek Poll released on Saturday, an all-time low for Bush in that survey.

Nearly two out of three Americans -- 62 percent -- believe Bush's recent actions in Iraq show he is "stubborn and unwilling to admit his mistakes," Newsweek reported. Just 30 percent think Bush's execution of the Iraq war demonstrates he is "willing to take political risks" to do what's right.

Bush's unpopularity may also be casting a dark shadow over Republican chances for keeping the White House in 2008. Democratic front-runners lead potential Republican contenders in head-to-head match-ups across the board, the poll suggests.

You're doin' a heck of a job there Bushie!

NRA Wants to Arm Suspected Terrorists

This story is absolutely amazing.

WASHINGTON - The National Rifle Association is urging the Bush administration to withdraw its support of a bill that would prohibit suspected terrorists from buying firearms.

Something tells me the NRA might be going too far this time, no matter how much money they continually shove into the pockets of Republicans.

40 Years Ago Today From DC Comics -- Superman #198

Superman #198 (On Sale: May 4, 1967) sports a cover by Curt Swan and George Klein. Whenever I would see a cover like this, I always suspected one of the Clarks was a robot, or a guy from the bottled city of Kandor, or Batman dressed up as Clark for one reason or another. This story uses none of these standard Weisinger cliches.

"The Real Clark Kent" is by Cary Bates and Al Plastino and is Bates' first Superman story. A bearded and beaten Clark Kent stumbles into the office of the Daily Planet where another Clark Kent is working. The bearded Kent uses an x-ray gun to reveal the other Clark's costume under his clothes. The bearded Clark claims that Superman had imprisoned him and taken his place as Clark Kent.

The backup story is "The Fate of the Super-Super-Superman" also written by Cary Bates and drawn by Curt Swan and George Klein. In it Superman responds to a distress call from an alien brain creature who has been trapped by a mutated tree root. Superman rescues the brain, which claims to be of a superior race. Before it disappears back into space, it provides Superman with additional super power.

With his enhanced strength and power, Superman is unable to control himself. He causes damage to everything he touches.

Edited by Mort Weisinger.

Paris Hilton! Come on Down!

As we speculated might happen a month ago, Paris Hilton has been ordered to jail. She "must go to jail on June 5 and she will not be allowed any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or any electronic monitoring in lieu of jail," Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer ruled after a hearing today.

The only question now is, "Which jail will she serve her time in?" The jail here in La Verne is nice and cozy and we are all such nice people; just ask Christian Slater. You have to serve somewhere Paris, why not in La Verne?

Paris Hilton! Come on Down!

An Anti-Evolution President?

A shout out to Rob Allen over on the Tony Isabella board for bringing this to my attention...

From news reports about this week's Republican candidates' debate:

"The field split on another issue, with Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo raising their hands when asked who did not believe in evolution."

Political blogger, Adam Felber, had this comment:

"Should this disqualify those guys for the Presidency? Nah - nobody should be disqualified for their faith. Not unless they’re members of some church that worships bacon bits or hamsters or Ryan Seacrest or something like that - we have to be rational, after all, and limit our tolerance to faiths based on magic superheroes who can’t ever be killed, really, and the cryptic ancient texts that describe their adventures. Once we start opening the door to belief systems that don’t involve science or gigantic supernatural unknowable beings (be they men or lobsters), things could get messy.

But at the very least we should take the raised hands of Brownback, Huckabee, and Tancredo as persuasive evidence of dumbassery. Plenty of responsible, intelligent Christian men and women have figured out how to have a worldview that includes both their faith and the overwhelming evidence for evolution. I’m sure there are even some Seacrestians or Hamsterites out there who’ve managed to pull off this trick.

Do I have something interesting or funny to say about this? Apparently not. But it’s worth reminding ourselves - we’re living in a country where an atheist can’t even get near the podium in a Presidential debate, while these three unwise men can blithely hop onto the national stage and tell children that science just doesn’t work.

… and then they’ll start talking about education, and their plan to help America’s children get back the smarts and that old-fashioned quality book-learnin’ that somehow - mysteriously, almost supernaturally- seems to have disappeared.

God help us."

The King of Bogosity

From Keith Olbermann's Countdown, the bogus Mission Accomplished speech from four years ago. If it seemed a little fishy then, it's become downright embarrassing today. The emperor has no clothes (except that pitiful, large, over-compensating codpiece!).

40 Years Ago Today From DC Comics -- Our Army at War #182

Our Army at War #182 (On Sale: May 2, 1967) has another great Russ Heath "Sgt. Rock" cover.

Inside we have "The Desert Rats of Easy" by Robert Kanigher and Russ Heath featuring "Sgt. Rock."

The real news here though is the backup story, "It's My Turn to Die," written by Howard Liss and introducing the Pulse-Pounding Penciling Wizardry of Neal Adams! DC Comics will never be the same. Over the next few years Neal will turn DC on its head, redefining comic book super-hero art forever. But it all started at DC right here, on a Bob Kanigher war book.

I have a copy of this in the mail to me as we speak. When it arrives I'll scan a page or two and put it up here; this book is history in the making.

Edited by Robert Kanigher.

Happy Mission Accomplished Day!

What a milestone! What a day to veto a spending bill on troops! What a fucking joke this guy is! Is he ever right about anything? If you want to know how wrong "Mr. Look-At-Me-I'm-A-Make-Believe-Dress-Up-Fighter-Pilot-Cowboy" was and still is, take a gander at this chart!

If we accomplished our mission four years ago, what are we still doing there?

We're Number One!

For a while there we had lost the crown, but Los Angeles has once again topped the American Lung Association's bad air list of most polluted cities in America. We'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible along with our wives and kids and the best damn agent in the business!

Though I don't live in Los Angeles per se, I can see Los Angeles from my bedroom window. The picture here was taken a week or two ago when a tire plant in LA caught on fire and did its part to add to our title.

Apparently There IS Something Wrong With That!

LONDON (Reuters) - John Browne, the architect of BP Plc's (BP.L) renaissance as a giant of the global oil industry, stepped down on Tuesday after his homosexuality was exposed to the full glare of publicity.

The full Reuters story can be found here.

The Erotic Art of Bob Oksner -- Part II

Look at that face. Does that look like a man you could trust? Sure it does, he looks like a real pussycat doesn't he? But it was with pussycats that comic book artist Bob Oksner slipped another one past his editor and the monolithic industry sensor, the Comics Code Authority.

The story I heard was that Oksner tried repeatedly for years to sneak a cover like this past his editors. Every time he tried it, it was rejected. I don't think even he knew why this one finally was allowed, but it was. The cover in question is for Supergirl #3, February 1973.

This was the second of Oksner's two infamous Supergirl covers (see The Erotic Art of Bob Oksner -- Part I for the other). This issue of Supergirl was a tale about rejection, a tale about loneliness. Supergirl, poor, poor Supergirl, she can't be like other girls. She longs to go on dates with boys, but for her it is not to be. So all alone she watches the other girls having fun with the boys, while all she can do is sit there and play with her pussy....cat!

I can't for the life of me remember where I first read of this cover, though it had to have been an interview with Bob Oksner. I have learned though that if you type "Supergirl plays with her pussy" into Google, you will discover a world of super-hero porn you never knew existed (Well, I never knew it existed. You might be a frequent reader!).